Marriage: Commitment, Vitality, and Chemistry

Today, my heart is serious and somber as I wonder how many of our marriages are going to make it. We've all heard that the stats indicate 50% will survive, but even then, for the ones technically intact, how many have any real vitality? Is it enough to celebrate the institution, the civic and religious ceremony, the symbolism of the rings, the steel commitment? Or is marriage the inspired incubator for two individuals to be forced to find truth and life as individual parts so they can enter into vitality and missional living as a whole? And if the latter is just as important as the former, how do we measure a marriage that's "together" but dead? I know God imagined marriage as holy and some kind of mysterious bond - because of how it brought out the best in us and we didn't do so well alone. I know that God's idea must not be about staying with someone who sucks life out of you, as we all need it to be safe and uplifting at it's core. So abusive marriages aside, maybe a good marriage is one that includes a series of awakenings and eruptions that make us really alive. The writer david wilcox would say it's when where close enough to the shore to stay alive but far enough to feel alive. Yes! That's where I want to be! And God must have known that we all step into this with deep wounds, distant longings, and dark secrets - and they may never be discovered without the safety and security - but also the pain and frustration that marriage evokes. I know God says we should not split up carelessly... but is the institution of marriage itself really his highest concern, or is he equally, even more so concerned about each of His wonderfully created children and how alive they are? Because, when marriages fail, it's not that a document is broken - it's about two people that have been broken. Maybe that, more then the institution, is why God hates divorce. I know we're called to be committed. But to what?

Today's heavy perspective comes from a few recent encounters with good friends who shared their despondent declaration of divorce. The first time, I left and cried for oven an hour. I cried for them, and for my parents, and every beautiful spirit broken by another person in this holy, yet unholy arrangement we call marriage. I cried for my own marriage and how much we hurt each other and how close any of us can be to this painful conclusion. Tears filled my eyes the second time as I sat across from someone who could not cry anymore. This feeling remains heavy as it feels like the loss of innocence for my peer group. We've got this far in life, and we're all either disappointed, and too scared to address it... or we're waking up inside and fighting like hell. We go to counseling, we go to confession, we dive in and try to find our bearings again. If our spouses are up for the fight or happen to be in the same space, then our marriages have a fighting chance. If not, we end up divorced - or... stay in a dead marriage. How can 10 or 15 years lead to this? As I listened to my friend's minor key laments, they appeared numb to the loss. I'm not sure if they were beyond anger or avoiding it. But they said they felt like their marriages were doomed from the start. Too different as people. Too many cutting words that can't be undone. Too little appreciation. Too many years where the disappointment was kept bottled up inside. Ultimately, a matter of bad chemistry - that they did not fit - and they did not feel any attraction and barely felt respect. But again, is chemistry the measurement we should use? Chemistry implies a good mix, a harmony, a blend. But if the larger divine purpose for each of us is vitality - then maybe we what we need most is friction - a catalyst that pulls out, not so much our best, but our worse that needs to be brought into the light. Not abuse or manipulation - but another human being being raw and honest and not afraid to be a mirror to us. I know we'd never plan it this way, and never date with this in mind - but I'm hoping this is the truth... because chemistry changes. Feeling fade, and return. Sometimes they were killed before the marriage even started. So, as we want to uphold the virtues of commitment - I continue to see chemistry and vitality in tension - knowing that we all long for strong chemistry - and yet admitting that my own marriage may not always pass the test of good chemistry - but has certainly pushed me towards being more alive.