Grateful (and other observations from Outliers)

With the Gulf waves crashing on the Easter weekend shore, I sit in the sun finishing the last few chapters of Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outliers-The story of success. This is the guy who wrote Tippling Point and Bling. What I thought would be a purely intellectual analysis of how the most successful people in the world became to be so successful... this page-turner has turned out to be a deeply affirming and inspiring look at how I, or any of us got to where we are. While it's no surprise that he suggests that it's a matter of effort (it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become great at something) and hard work (the rice farmers who work 360 days getting up before dawn each day)... he uncovers countless examples of how it's actually less about effort and more so a matter of timing, legacy, culture, a myriad of the right people helping us at just the right times, and a host of other seemingly coincidences - and the choreography of them. While debunking most of my preset assumptions about what leads to success... he focuses on how successful people constantly move toward "meaningful work", a direct relationship between work and reward, and autonomy... and in stripping away the idea that a person's own volition is enough, he leaves us with a void that only gratitude can fill. If we are successful at all... it is because a host of family, friends, teachers, bosses, co-workers, neighbors, and even strangers have helped us in just the right ways. I finished the book feeling successful - as I have meaningful relationships, meaningful work, a meaningful faith. I could sulk from the disadvantages that come from an absent, abusive father, or limited opportunities growing up fairly poor in rural Maine, and a much longer list of things that don't typically lead to success... or, on the other hand, I started to conjure up an even longer list of people and moments that shaped me that freed me and helped me get to where I am today. A caring nurse and artistic mother... a work ethic I learned from my father, how to navigate keeping the peace and fun with my siblings... building the stamina to work through college and graduate in 3 years... the lucky break of becoming a bus driver for a clinic which eventually needed some marketing help... which eventually led me to help with other start ups... which prepared me for my health care experience at AIM, and the executive training ground which sharpened me and paved the way for "meaningful" work at the Dispensary of Hope. My introduction to wine while dating Kim and later friendship with my Jimmy Collins exposed me to a growing interest in wine - which led ot the invention of Vintage Graphs with my good friend Reb. If I want to feel lucky, I don't need to look any further then crossing paths with Kim - who would eventually be my wife... as while we have our challenges, she has also been a timely source of confidence, support, and formation for me - as just the right times... Without her, I am sure I would have never been ready for any of the past 10 years. And this does not even include the unmerited hidden blessings that come from my legacy of Scottish tenacity, Simpson blue eyes, Yarnell creativity, Philadelphia grit, and Maine down-to-earth-ness. I am aware that each of these bring scars, generational sins, and dysfunctions... but they don't get enough credit for the gifts they bring into my life before I even started. So, yes, while I close this book, feeling affirmed in being successful in terms of coming from so much and now living a meaningful life, it does not puff up my ego - thinking my efforts were the prime motivator... rather, I feel humbled, grateful, and sure that God has been pouring good things into me all along... and this choreography of events has been divinely inspired all along...

PS- the last chapter of Outliers is inspiring and a beautiful tribute to the authors mother and grandmother - and Providence. You should read it if you get the chance.

Marriage: Commitment, Vitality, and Chemistry

Today, my heart is serious and somber as I wonder how many of our marriages are going to make it. We've all heard that the stats indicate 50% will survive, but even then, for the ones technically intact, how many have any real vitality? Is it enough to celebrate the institution, the civic and religious ceremony, the symbolism of the rings, the steel commitment? Or is marriage the inspired incubator for two individuals to be forced to find truth and life as individual parts so they can enter into vitality and missional living as a whole? And if the latter is just as important as the former, how do we measure a marriage that's "together" but dead? I know God imagined marriage as holy and some kind of mysterious bond - because of how it brought out the best in us and we didn't do so well alone. I know that God's idea must not be about staying with someone who sucks life out of you, as we all need it to be safe and uplifting at it's core. So abusive marriages aside, maybe a good marriage is one that includes a series of awakenings and eruptions that make us really alive. The writer david wilcox would say it's when where close enough to the shore to stay alive but far enough to feel alive. Yes! That's where I want to be! And God must have known that we all step into this with deep wounds, distant longings, and dark secrets - and they may never be discovered without the safety and security - but also the pain and frustration that marriage evokes. I know God says we should not split up carelessly... but is the institution of marriage itself really his highest concern, or is he equally, even more so concerned about each of His wonderfully created children and how alive they are? Because, when marriages fail, it's not that a document is broken - it's about two people that have been broken. Maybe that, more then the institution, is why God hates divorce. I know we're called to be committed. But to what?

Today's heavy perspective comes from a few recent encounters with good friends who shared their despondent declaration of divorce. The first time, I left and cried for oven an hour. I cried for them, and for my parents, and every beautiful spirit broken by another person in this holy, yet unholy arrangement we call marriage. I cried for my own marriage and how much we hurt each other and how close any of us can be to this painful conclusion. Tears filled my eyes the second time as I sat across from someone who could not cry anymore. This feeling remains heavy as it feels like the loss of innocence for my peer group. We've got this far in life, and we're all either disappointed, and too scared to address it... or we're waking up inside and fighting like hell. We go to counseling, we go to confession, we dive in and try to find our bearings again. If our spouses are up for the fight or happen to be in the same space, then our marriages have a fighting chance. If not, we end up divorced - or... stay in a dead marriage. How can 10 or 15 years lead to this? As I listened to my friend's minor key laments, they appeared numb to the loss. I'm not sure if they were beyond anger or avoiding it. But they said they felt like their marriages were doomed from the start. Too different as people. Too many cutting words that can't be undone. Too little appreciation. Too many years where the disappointment was kept bottled up inside. Ultimately, a matter of bad chemistry - that they did not fit - and they did not feel any attraction and barely felt respect. But again, is chemistry the measurement we should use? Chemistry implies a good mix, a harmony, a blend. But if the larger divine purpose for each of us is vitality - then maybe we what we need most is friction - a catalyst that pulls out, not so much our best, but our worse that needs to be brought into the light. Not abuse or manipulation - but another human being being raw and honest and not afraid to be a mirror to us. I know we'd never plan it this way, and never date with this in mind - but I'm hoping this is the truth... because chemistry changes. Feeling fade, and return. Sometimes they were killed before the marriage even started. So, as we want to uphold the virtues of commitment - I continue to see chemistry and vitality in tension - knowing that we all long for strong chemistry - and yet admitting that my own marriage may not always pass the test of good chemistry - but has certainly pushed me towards being more alive.

in celebration of surviving

This past saturday offered a chance to get a baby sitter for the kids, grab a bottle of wine, and join good friends for a birthday party for 6. Our dear friend was a January baby - so we gathered to celebrate her... and catch up on their trip to DC for Obama's swearing in - and stories about our respective 10 year marriages - and how for some of us the first 5 years were harder, for others, the second 5 years were harder... and for some - all 10 have been hard. But we celebrated surviving - honoring our friends and the birthday girl - with dinner and this poem...

"In Celebration of Surviving," by Chuck Miller

when senselessness has pounded you around on the ropes
and you're getting too old to hold out for the future
no work and running out of money,
and then you make a try after something that you know you
won't get
and this long shot comes through on the stretch
in a photo finish of your heart's trepidation
then for a while
even when the chill factor of these prairie winters puts it at
fifty below
you're warm and have that old feeling
of being a comer, though belated
in the crazy game of life
standing in the winter night
emptying the garbage and looking at the stars
you realize that although the odds are fantastically against you
when that single January shooting star
flung its wad in the maw of night
it was yours
and though the years are edged with crime and squalor
that second wind, or twenty-third
is coming strong
and for a time
perhaps a very short time
one lives as though in a golden envelope of light

How To Eat An Elephant

If you were king, or president, or governor or CEO... and you had a big problem that affected as much as a quarter of the people you were responsible for... would you choose a comprehensive solution that would take 10 years to implement, or... divide the problem up into 10 more manageable pieces so you could take some immediate action and solve it in 10 steps? There may not be a right or wrong answer - in fact, some will argue that a leader cannot and should not solve the problem at all.

Our new president and congressional leaders are faced with such a problem - as the healthcare crisis in America involves not only our neighbors in need of care and medicine (compassion)... but also every healthcare provider who is struggling to survive under the weight of provider services without reimbursement (sustainability). With votes being cast in the recent and upcoming days, healthcare policy is near the top of the list for President Obama and the Congress - along with every Governor and state government. The first big policy shift will be an expanded SCHIP program - to provide an additional $33 billion over 4 1/2 years to cover an additional 4.1 million children - along with the 11 million children already covered by the program.

While this still leaves tens of millions of adults and even children uninsured, maybe this is the way the Administration is planning to eat this elephant - one bite at a time - starting with children, then covering the parents of those children, and eventually filling in the remaining gap with a FEP (Federal Employee Program) - like solution and/or a significant funding for more FQHC clinics across the country. Where do you see this going? How would you chose to eat an elephant of this size?

About Time, for Wine... and Healthcare

Isn't it about time for wine to be sold and purchased freely in the state of Tennessee? We see this problem in the health care space I also work in - where state lines prevent individuals or small businesses from pooling together to spread their risk and be able to have more affordable choices when purchasing health care. This is America, the land of choices, and melting pots of taste and preference. We're about free markets that look to supply and demand - and only regulation when it protects us from corrupt power or promotes the "common good". The laws preventing common sense health care freedom of choice remind me of the regulation in TN (and other states) that prevent us from buying on-line, buying at Publix or other grocery stores, as well as getting the discounts and variety that larger chains bring. Now, we do get the benefit of the Grand Cru's of the world - who offer a small and personal boutique experience - but I content they would survive just fine - as free market forces would still bring me back... and other less interesting stores would fold - as they should - since they have not changed to attract customers in a 100 years - because all the laws are on their side. I want stores to earn my purchase. Try harder - knowing I have unlimited choice - and you will have made a better store and a more loyal customer. If you are interested in seeing the wine laws in TN change - check out: http://www.tnwinelovers.net/index.html

Holiday Banter & The Terrifying Anonymous Solitude

A Holiday dinner typically brings an ideal space for my outgoing spirit to shine in its fullness - pulling out all the stops - delivering laughter, playful humor, and a toast for whatever the occasion - even if I have to make one up. This year, Kim completed the last of 4 important exams... and dad secured an extension at his work. There's always a reason to raise our glasses, I think - and togetherness and cheer give way to conversation, which I love the most! One meal, we went around the table and offered our favorite Christmas carol and movie - to which I proclaimed the predictable "Chestnuts Roasting... and It's a Wonderful Life" to some groans from the guys but a good feeling in my chest. I love to ask questions about things deeper than many people initially offer - and most find that engaging and meaningful - by the end. The wine helps, but all in all we cover a vast array of topics from parenting, childhood memories, politics, activism, God. This dinner, I found myself chiming in with great ease - filling in each quiet moment with another question, another observation, another joke, another topic. With several of us around the table, there is always someone to pounce on the bait - and so the conversation continues in rapid pace. It works. It's functional, and even appreciated. Its fun to be the "life of the party" as they say! But, this time I reflected on this and realized that the dinner was perfect in nearly every way except that we accomplished a myriad of words and a great pace, but lacked margin, quiet, space. It got me thinking about why we move so fast and what we miss out on. It made me think about how busy we all are - with a good sense of what is important in life, but poor execution year after year. You know, the typical things people on their death beds write poems about: taking walks for our health, wresting with our kids, writing hand written notes to people we care about, praying, and taking time to just rest long enough so we can hear our own thoughts and maintain our bearings.

A good friend gave me a book called Sabbath which I started reading over this holiday. Page 51 offered... For some people, emptiness can feel fertile and spacious, alive with possibility... But others feel emptiness as an ache, a void; something painful, in need of being filled. Most are far more anxious about having to confront whatever will come up in the empty space, when (we) are quiet and alone. Who knows what terror lurks in the anonymous solitude?

As the new year approaches, with it's customary invitation to make resolutions in our lives, I am considering embracing more of this emptiness- more of this intentional quiet and rest. For me, maybe the blessing of being gregarious also comes with an invitation to be more settled the need to rest. I think we are all afraid of the quiet - even the more introverted souls who stay busy at work or in the kitchen or with some other distraction. The invitation to all of us is to pay attention to how we engage conversations, to-do lists, and how much time we set aside for intentional quiet. Who knows what we will hear. It may be terrifying things we have been trying to avoid - or forgiveness we needed to know. I was blessed to find some of both this holiday - and wish the same for you. Happy New Year.

Just One Lesson

As I approach another birthday, I have been thinking a lot. Today, over lunch I was talking with a close friend and we agreed that we once thought, and even hoped, that the lessons we learned in life would stick with us - that we could retain them and build on them, but that has not been my experience with the really important lessons. We get into the hard moments in life (we're out of money and scared, we lost our job and loosing confidence, we lost a dream and now tired of risking again, we lost a friendship and tired of feeling alone). These hard moments seem to come as a total surprise and so we lose our bearings and grasp at false choices. Sometimes we give up and pull back and get depressed and worried like it's all to much to bear and the outlook is utter disaster. I feels hopeless when you just know it will end badly. Sometimes we hold on even tighter and try to make something happen, trying to control the entropy that answers to no one. Headaches set in, and traffic surrounds us. A trip to the wine store or Netflix provide a short-lived distraction... but the darkness is all back before long. It never occurs to us that the lesson we learned in the light (just 10 days ago or 10 months ago) was meant for this very moment. Oh, I remember the small lessons or pithy truths - like "don't cry over spilled milk" or "this too shall pass" and "the sun will come out tomorrow"... but it's the bigger lessons and truths beneath cliches that elude me. Is there someone, namely God, in control of everything? Is there someone who's ultimate plan is good? Does it all fall on my shoulders... or is there a force bigger than me that is blessing me, looking out for me, and even providing for me? If I stumble, will someone help me? In hard economic times like these, most of us will have to learn to live on less, many of us will struggle to make ends meet, while others will not even have bread and milk, let alone presents under a tree for Christmas. I wonder if they feel that God is small and has abandoned them, or if they know their God is big because they see how he helps them find a way every day. So, here I am again, rethinking this lesson... relearning this lesson... and realizing that there may not be 1000 lessons to learn in life; rather just 1 core lesson that we need to re-learn and re-experience a 1000 times.